pastime

shock people with your unscrupulous honesty

reveal surfaces

fanatically wait, relish in impatience

continue buying and selling words

reread letter to actor d

waiting

it is possible. it happens.

human contact--the not-so-young young director has his eyes closed, arm extended, hand on mine. I do not move, he does. responding, listening, waiting. the hardest task of all.

"but no I swear I wasn't moving you were fabricating we do it again"

subtle transformation. then for the rest of the given time, he literally rocks.

now, my faith is restored. these aren't mere shells--I meet, really meet, touch, encounter people. it happens. not all--no categorical results--only those who want to meet me too. another breathing possibly-Irish woman, a floor-bound possibly-Jewish directress.

what is most exhilarating is that I too have changed. slower here, imitating there, vicious elsewhere. my whole being turned out...

song of the siren

and the resident spectator, aka the dramaturge, quotes Caligula:

"come here. closer. come closer."

hunger

the clown must return to the scene of crime. the net.

perhaps a mirror? or a bottle of wine? dionysus reclines--yes, to offer pain and pleasure to his guests. I only want to make you alive. If only momentarily.

a being that is close to the ground. the child is there, waiting, listening, scheming. now that is a coup de theatre.

not yet at 'I could have,' still at 'I can.' not 'I almost did,' but 'what if I do.'

l'alma prende fuego 2

the body. expressivity versus pre-expressivity.

I admit I talk too much. unnecessarily and never end up saying what I want to say. count on the fact that I must be saying it somehow, beside myself.

sufficiently amourous words, sufficiently amourous bodies. souls on fire? rained on?

desire-producing machines, always the lack always the void. celebrate the unknown, do everything but never ever normalize. the normal is the abyss.

sen bir meleksin diye...

Lorca'dan

CANCIÓN TONTA

Mamá.
Yo quiero ser de plata.

Hijo,
tendrás mucho frío.

Mamá.
Yo quiero ser de agua.

Hijo,
tendrás mucho frío.

Mamá.
Bórdame en tu almohada.

¡Eso sí!
¡Ahora mismo!

demek istediğim:
embroider me on your pillow

caddeden sokaklara

now. after having done what he has done--or having remembered what he has remembered--shamed and ashamed the clown resigns with the chair dragging behind. moment of recollection moment of recognition confrontation potrei aver ucciso tutti, yes, right.

but he stops. coup de theatre as the resident dramaturge likes to call it. she counted three today. (I am a revolutionary.) he stops cause he forgets again. that is the problem after all. it could all happen again.

stops to become: the statues are alive. I I I I could have I I I ...am poseidon I am venus etc. etc.

caligula defines the tyrant (mind you in a conversation with the young poet): he is the one who compensates for the stupidity of the gods.

so no. the fear is ungrounded. there is nothing about the work that pities the tyrant. even when you subtract the tyrannizing.

to recur; episode 2; the daimon returns!

never worked to sleep during the day. the demons do await the unlucky one who closes her eyes on sunshine. so to begin with: I asked for it and deserved it.

it seems like sean brennan. come to download some stuff on my computer. (what the hell.) when the time comes he refuses to go. and he is not him: andromeda questioningly gives me the look: have I let in the house a man I do not know? hmm? what was I thinking. then the amorphous bit begins. he goes from one to the next becoming others, at the end of the day we do not know him, or perhaps only kinda do and he has come to stay, he won't go, begs kicks lies says his boyfriend kicked him out says he pulled his muscle (all along the lights don't work, that's why we didn't see he wasn't who he was supposed to be) but I manage to call 991 (and manage to think what am I doing here it must be 999) a voice tells me to wait for the tone (or the tune?) and I don't, I start to give the address forget it we tell him again look we have no space we are two women in this tiny place he has unplugged the phone I kick I hit I might have even scratched.

şimdi, bu bir kabussa ben mesajı aldım. geri gelmesin. ben oraya geliyorum.

to recur

I am buffy, again. the hero thing comes back. often.
where is it that I am saving?

the monster is a table with a mask head. when he is visible. again out there to possess me. (now I hear the pun.) he is downloading to my brain-computer all these evil songs. he came from the costume store, where the hats are made. (now I remember the play.)

I am afraid, but not afraid. it is too harsh a dream but not a nightmare.

I run down the stairs--but feet don't touch the steps--I fly down, turning. the chilean vehicle greets me downstairs--it is open air, people are sitting in their gardenly manners, no need to worry.

I sleep some more. Cannot wake up just after this.

and then later on the same day I find myself at the mastershipwright's house, where there is a ghost, and the first thing I see entering the decrepid mansion is a glass display case full of hats. I am taken up many flights of stairs, uncannily like the ones in the dream, only to wash the remnants of a harlequin off my face.

arete

the lady and the unicorn

le musée national du moyen-age

photo il camello solo

to resign from each sense

only to embrace them all

a llama-shepherd in chile is (more) alive

socrates says any one can make the many

by holding a mirror

arkamda sır olmasa, sadece beni göreceksin

o sırdansa varlığım, sen olacaksın

ve bu bir halı, bunu biri ilmek ilmek dokumuş

parmenides vs heraclitus

mimesis sui generis--mimesis sui genesis

republic'i buldum ne güzelmiş hatırladım.

"but first of all we should supervise the storytellers." you'd better.

ayrıca anladım ki bütün derdim animus'umla. clown da tiran da erkek. niye böyle?

kostüm bulundu bugün. pek benzemiyor ama güzel. ben çiçekli olsun istiyorum.

oyuna gelen herkese çıkışta bir tutam saçımı kesip vereceğim.

herşey tekdir ve vardır ve o kadar. nedeni de şu: şimdi olmamak olamaz, çünkü o zaman o olmayan şeyi düşünmemiz de mümkün olmazdı. olmamak diye birşey yok o zaman. (bu ilk inconsistency.) çokluk da düşünülemez, çünkü çokluk ne? a, b, c, d, koloupou koloupou, falan filan. o zaman a b değil b c değil diyor oluyoruz ne olmadıkları hakkında laf ediyoruz. bu olamaz. olamaz. çok da yok. herşey tek. (burada onu kaybettik.)

oysa ki öteki diyor ki: uyuduğumuz zaman olmayana dokunur onla sohbet ederiz, uyanıksaksa sadece o uyuyan adama bakarız. (uyu daha iyi demeye getiriyor.)

ben bu ikinci adamı daha bir sevdim.

dancing with the whales

şimdi:

benim balina görmem lazım. meğer balina görmem gerekiyormuş, bilmiyormuşum. hatta mümkünse mavi denizlerde böyle yunus gibi sıçraya atlaya yüzen bir su aygırı ordusu.

bunu establish ettiğimize göre:
beyaz, bembeyaz balina. bu da polar bear gibi birşey olmasın?

belki bunlar mavi denizin beyaz köpükleriymiş. kim diyebilir?

ne dolunay, ne hilal. ayın böyle tırnak kadar kırıntısına kalmışız meğer. ne yapmalı. gün mü saymalı. aylı aysız, sonrası deniz.

another 'guess the tune' contest

ali hodge is my supervisor,
she knows a lot--
she says that I have a clown!!!!
but the thesis is not done.

dındıdın dındıdın

true men part IV: the truest of all

for andromeda and margo's info.

always check your men against adam.

adam, man, homme, uomini.

the last one sounds kinda wrong, actually.

anyway:

does he touch God?

can his big toe open up?

not to mention muscles, belly-buttons, extended necks.

may the archetype of man be with you.

ve bu da margo için:

"a nun'ı adamlarla görmüşler..."

il capitano

an extraordinary man has the right

that is not an official right, but an inner right

to decide in his own conscience to overstep certain obstacles.

an extraordinary man has the right.

--says raskolnikov in crime and punishment, dostoyevsky

maskara

what does making a copy of your face do to you? to the world? what is it that is taken away?

it is very cold. only through the coldness, you feel you are touched. you listen to your own breath.

all along I am worried about the tip of my nose. why hasn't it been touched yet. what if it is not what it is?

am I frowning underneath?

do make me laugh, please.

call from hushabye mountain

sail far away from lullaby bay

don quixote

did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts,

cold comfort for change,

did you exchange a walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

arkasına yazdıklarım...

bana kart geldi. ben bir daha kart atar mıyım?

another song

the top ten is growing:

diamonds and rust
wish you were here
don't think twice (it's alright)

and guess the tune of this one, with slightly altered lyrics:

david wiles, david wiles
at each meeting you greet me
tall and wise
curious and surprised
you look happy to meet me

head of department may you bloom and grow,
bloom and grow forever
david wiles, david wiles
supervise me forever!

diamonds and rust

chalk on a black floor
lines in a circle
a web of squares, triangles, rectangles
corners to be smudged, smudging

grey appears when one moves from black to white from white to black. it rubs on you. you have changed and so has the floor you have trodden. a mutual relationship.

I have been told:
a possession transformation thesis and antithesis
a calmer repose and a crazy thing
if you make a ritual of sitting I sit with you
hamlet or his girlfriend
little girl in a garden everything new
it is inviting I wonder clear
the numbers have gone, good

gotta grow expand breathe with the man (but I liked you out of breath!) (but with the song it is too much) perhaps working against what you have made. levels of becoming.

the snake is a means to an end. but the moon. ah, no one has seen the moon...

the 21st is a full moon. that is a sign.

kandinsky'den small pleasures

çizgi renk ritm ses

camaron de la isla ole

coraggio!

21 Aralık'tan beri bahar geliyor,

ben ondan bu saatte ayaktayım.

bacchante

şimdi bir şeyler değişmiş yenilenmiş

bir parça kan yanağıma akmış eve dönüyormuşum

bir elimde kuyruk bir elimde sopa

beni kim karşılar? ne der?

"gidişim pek birşeye benzemedi ama,

dönüşüm muhteşem olacak"

arabesk dünyasına adımımızı atmamıza az kaldı.

behold!