going places, playing games

it is a place like this perhaps--just that i realise my place is a bar. (now that I think of it it is like that cheap homemade food rooftop place in asmalimescit) and the night before home was a place you entered through an intricately designed wrought-iron gate. with a bell. it's night, in both instances.

my hat is sitting at the bottom of the wardrobe, slightly out of shape, slightly crushed.

"we fall down the stairs to eat damp earth"

demis lorca. ben de bu lafi oyunda bin kez gordukten sonra soyle bir ruya goruyorum:

bir kavanozdan kasik kasik kahve yiyorum, oyle tatli guzel leziz ki. hatta bu niye boyle sekerli gibi derken, yedigimin kakao oldugunu anliyorum.

Allah'im! Freud beni tanisaydi...

my unconscious is anything but high culture

in my dream said is planning to blow up the island--it is tiny actually--and we all live off it in a boat (like a book like a thread like a boat?) and there are wild flowers there which elif and elif go regularly to water and they want to save the flowers before said kills us all, but I take alllll the girls through mews and passages and cobblestone streets and into and out of buildings with arched entrances and somehow end up where said is and i try to ersuade him not to do it as it becomes apparent that in fact he is not equipped to do it--it is almost sad, I almost want that empth shack to be full of those cartoonlike bombs and not just dust and old pieces of metal.

sources to be traced back to (typo copyright lovely student who made me laugh in the middle of the night) martian crimp thomas mann and the streets where I live and obviously lost.

i dreamt of you last night

apparently you live close to me--next to my house in fact--and you have been downloading music from my computer, and you say it is like i am there with you--yes that is where i eat and sleep--and i need to go somewhere, there are lots of clothes and i pick a skirt (kinda tacky white with black buttons down the front, a-line with tight waist and black flowery pattern) and oh dear i am wearing winter clothes stockings wooly and i need to take them off and i put on the skirt cause i am coming swimming.

and what is actually most touching is that i do know where you are--unlike clouseau. and that is no swimming matter, it must be very cold.

and i know your toes and your tummy.

a black and white rainbow

a young black girl, (from peckham?), entrusts herself to me on a bus. no we shouldn't get off before her--I suggest she sit near the driver--but she has a problem, she cannot distinguish colours. neither can she tell numbers. I take her to an up-on-a-hill dusty-road tea-garden with a beautiful view of the sea to kiss my mother's hand.

under the boardwalk

there is a hotel made of glass and I walk around trying to find my room, and only now do I remember the strange source of the image: this weird cartoon that I watched (when where why?) where these under-sea beings animals things were hanging out visiting each other in glass houses and they had to take care of some one's flowers when they went away and made a mess and they wore oxygen globes--quite a childish thing actually. this must have been a phd summer supposedly writing moment. late night television, that is.

yes, the remembering continues, with the aid of google. spongebob squarepants. horrible cartoon, really. and uncannily relevant to my unconscious apparently...

but then again something must have happened then and there. gotta go back to the fanus hotel. (oooh even more associations.)

by the way I am also having issues with the word assessment. (what is the physical action to assess? somebody tell me please. where does it start in the body?)

sözüm bir tek sana, selam gönder bana

şimdi bir otobüsteyim iniyorum birileri biniyor inatla hatırlıyorum ki şemsiyemi unutmuşum acilen bulunmalı yerden siyah ıslak bir şemsiye buluyorlar alıyorum ama bir yandan da aklımda benimki bordo ve çiçekliydi diye neyse muvaffakiyet hissiyle bilmediğim bir yere yol sormak amacıyla ilerlerken çantamda hem bordo şemsiyemi buluyorum (hay allah boşuna insanları rahatsız ettim) hem de annemin yeni lacivert şemsiyesinin kılıfını neyse diyorum yol sorduğum adam bence aslında türk neyse anlatıyor gece de oluvermiş ama ben bulacağım orayı kararlıyım buluyorum da galiba bir tür fuaye çok aydınlık işte orada karşılaşıyoruz...

şemsiye çok bariz, freud utansın. da bu devamlı yoklayan otobüs teması nedir?

the green road to luton

it is an epic. like the odyssey. we are travelling across a london which is actually plains and buses--more like poland--to get to luton airport, to go home. mostly on foot, may I say. on the way we meet many people, many places, flats and houses like islands where we're held up.

there is one moment when I find myself yet again hiding behind a white sofa, I have fallen straight into the midst of a game played by long-forgotten high school friends.

another moment when I realise the time--we are late, obviously.

another moment where some one tells us where to take a right. by that tree, was it? by the barn?

so it's entered me. the buses and the airports. that specific green. people and their flats.

what to say? welcome...

weary blues from waiting

double deckers in a dream
eyes turn from blue to brown

you must, always, read the instructions first.

my indian cuisine

many many cakes on glass display shelves, gateaux, really delicious. you bite into one (with your sister, obviously) and it turns out to be paper-like. lent. when is it?

eggs and bunnies. chocolate and apples can keep you alive. and grapes. seedless. tesco finest?

sausage roll.

macchiato. and, flapjack?

tost. well, whoever invented that may s/he rest in peace. much better than otherwise, as margo put it.

chocolate soufflé.

but today, I broke the fast and cooked. and what to put? tabasco. hmmm. curry. raisins! yes, raisins! onions, peppers, tomatoes, potatoes, mushrooms, courgettes, carrots, curry, tabasco, and raisins. on rice. not bad, actually.

kaymak. not good in a can. gotta throw it away, sadly.

yeşil erik, ah, yeşil erik!

mother's vişne reçeli. vişne beats cherry as a word. in literary and theatrical contexts. (re: Vişne Bahçesi)

the moon and I

bu gece ay doğdu ninni,
herkesler uyudu ninni,
yum artık o güzel gözlerini ninni,
uyusun yavrum, ninni.

we go way back.

dediler ki:

uykumda gülmüşüm, "there has been a misunderstanding" demişim. ya da onun gibi birşey. gülmüşüm ama... a chuckle. a giggle. outright laughter.

şimdi, zamanında da "at this point we have to make a choice" demişmiştim...

nereden nereye...

mevlana'dan

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep.

sen bir meleksin diye...

Lorca'dan

CANCIÓN TONTA

Mamá.
Yo quiero ser de plata.

Hijo,
tendrás mucho frío.

Mamá.
Yo quiero ser de agua.

Hijo,
tendrás mucho frío.

Mamá.
Bórdame en tu almohada.

¡Eso sí!
¡Ahora mismo!

demek istediğim:
embroider me on your pillow

parmenides vs heraclitus

mimesis sui generis--mimesis sui genesis

republic'i buldum ne güzelmiş hatırladım.

"but first of all we should supervise the storytellers." you'd better.

ayrıca anladım ki bütün derdim animus'umla. clown da tiran da erkek. niye böyle?

kostüm bulundu bugün. pek benzemiyor ama güzel. ben çiçekli olsun istiyorum.

oyuna gelen herkese çıkışta bir tutam saçımı kesip vereceğim.

herşey tekdir ve vardır ve o kadar. nedeni de şu: şimdi olmamak olamaz, çünkü o zaman o olmayan şeyi düşünmemiz de mümkün olmazdı. olmamak diye birşey yok o zaman. (bu ilk inconsistency.) çokluk da düşünülemez, çünkü çokluk ne? a, b, c, d, koloupou koloupou, falan filan. o zaman a b değil b c değil diyor oluyoruz ne olmadıkları hakkında laf ediyoruz. bu olamaz. olamaz. çok da yok. herşey tek. (burada onu kaybettik.)

oysa ki öteki diyor ki: uyuduğumuz zaman olmayana dokunur onla sohbet ederiz, uyanıksaksa sadece o uyuyan adama bakarız. (uyu daha iyi demeye getiriyor.)

ben bu ikinci adamı daha bir sevdim.

responsibility

I think he is a bomber, he lights a bomb. be careful what you think in dreams. but then again, not a possibility.

there is a whole study on dreaming about polar bears... apparently it is a north american trend. hence the coke ads. hence lost. why, I've never dreamt of one.

there are some words you can never say enough. but you want to say them so many times that you can then be done with them, forget them.

margo said the memories you have never remembered or only seldom remember are the best, the purest, not tainted by repetition.

andromeda said that you should take people who have disappointed or hurt you and turn them into characters and let them change and become others and this is quite a therapeutic thing.